Nature

Don’t ask why it is so. I’ve no answer to that, just as I’ve no clue to why the night sky was that particular shade, which reminded me of the colours of the bisexual flag, when I was trying out different settings on the Olympus as I attempted astrophotography.

Then it dawned on me later on that 2018 is the best I’ve felt about myself in countless aspects. There’s no need to explain myself to anyone so long as I get me and I live my truth. I don’t reckon I’ve been in the closet as soon as I got it figured out, though technically I may have been in it when I was a confused and terrified mess before coming to terms with what is.

There are several things comparable to being out, and my list includes travelling, having my own car and actually driving it around, cycling, using a DSLR, overcoming my fear of the open sea and swimming though being in a pool can be boring at times, and losing weight and imagining how it’d be a nightmare to being 80+ kg again.

All of them took me a while to get used to, the initial trepidation, anxiety, fumbling, confusion plus the reading, research and trials, just like me as I stumbled around then out into another phase of my life. And yes, I still mess up these days but there’s always something to learn from each encounter.

To those who are more than an acquaintance to me, they know that fact about me like how they know it’s tea for me; and to those who are closer to me, they know what tea does it for me. As for other humans I know, there’s no need for them to know that detail about me. Why does it matter to them whether I like tea?

Over the years since accepting things, I’ve had time to think back and analyse some aspects of myself. As far as I can remember, I’ve always used they/them when referring to a hypothetical partner and choosing she/her or he/him felt restrictive. Maybe back then, my young brain knew it before I was even consciously aware of that fact. These days, I lean much more towards she/her for my future, and sometimes I wonder if I’m pan after all though that won’t surprise me if it were the case.

I know I don’t have gender dysphoria and I’ve never wanted to get rid of certain body parts but I do wish for a smaller chest especially as I run or skip around. Or when I have to run after something or someone when I’m not wearing a sports bra. What a relief it’d be without that booby burden. And I’ve never felt trapped in my female body, nor do I want to get shots of testosterone to become masculine. I’m a she/her, not a he/him or they/them.

How true this is: For once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return.

I’ve tasted the sky and I’m not going back. Nor do I want to.

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Was

Home was in
your eyes
your scent
your skin on mine.

Our joined hands
our tangled limbs.

When it was
you
me
us.

It was
trust
respect
consent.

It was
desire
lust
need
want.

It was
raw
tender
urgent
affection.

It was everything.
It was breathing.
It was love.

Until you broke it
me
us.

Then there was nothing.

Alex

Dear Alex,

Where do I start gushing about you?

Before you, it was a vague dream somewhere in my subconscious, one of the many items in my mental list of things to do someday. Then, as I considered getting a car (which is also called Alex though I don’t derive the same pleasure as I do when I’m with you) and the first factor I thought of after the cost was the size to allow a bike in it. I’d waited that long to get a car and no way was I getting one that wouldn’t allow me to pursue another dream.

Car done. The first event I took part in was a disaster, at least physically. It turns out my old MTB was the wrong size for me (don’t get me started on the staff in the shop who didn’t advise me about that fact), causing me significant pain in my shoulders, wrists, arms, back and legs. Let’s not forget the numbness I got in my crotch during the ride and the unforgettable post-ride discomfort in that area.

And so I became obsessed in finding a bike in my size and trying to stick within the budget I’d set aside. Has that ever worked for me when it’s for something I’ve desired for so long? Research, calls and visits to shops later, I decided on you, and we wouldn’t have been acquainted if you were pink as the one displayed in the shop. They had it in blue, the man rushed to tell me as I was leaving the shop. You’re blue, in matte (vs gloss, ughh), right for my height and you didn’t quite break my budget, though as I started with accessories, I thought the hell with the budget. Saddle! The aches and pain from the first ride were still fresh in my memory, and I knew I just couldn’t live with one that would kill me each time I went for a ride.

As I got used to riding a road bike with trainers, I decided to put the clipless pedals to use and started with cycling shoes. You and I are essentially one as my feet are clipped into the pedals, a fact that makes falling very awkward and comical as bike and human tumble together. The first time that happened was in front of Masjid Putra in Putrajaya, right in front of several buses full of tourists from China. A fraction of a second before I landed, I realised I didn’t have a leg free. So tumble I did like Humpty Dumpty.

Since Jan 2016 with you, I’m aware how much you’ve helped me heal and process my life by allowing me to channel my frustrations, vent negativities, put thoughts into words, come up with ideas etc by distracting me from the immediate issues and enabling me to explore by finding joy in nature. I’ve always needed such an outlet for the fire that I can’t seem to douse. Not that I want to do that. With you and the other Alex, I have that now and I’m ever thankful for it.

The loop I’ve come up with usually clears my head as I enter the vicinity of that village, where the temperature dips slightly with all the trees around. Surrounded by the damp muskiness of the woods as birds and insects chirping incessantly, I’ll pant up THAT ever hateful slope to get to the road along the stream, which flowing water creates a melody that calms me.

I reckon being out there with you is the closest I get to feeling naked and free outdoors. it all adds up: the rush I get whirring down that straight road without any junctions, the swearing when a climb approaches, the sweat, the burn in my thighs on climbs and rounding bends a bit too fast when it’s safe to do so. They make me feel oh-so-wonderfully gleeful, with the wind, the sun (and sometimes rain) and other elements of nature whipping up their magic.

And I’ve learned that cycling is a lot like life and relationships (platonic and romantic). Group rides just aren’t for me and I much prefer to go solo as it’s therapy for me. Just because most people are with a group going at 35km/h, it doesn’t mean that works for me. Everyone’s different-their needs, wants, capabilities etc-and nobody should fit into a mould.

Spending time with you has also taught me that at times, I need to let go and plot another ride, NOT go on the same route repeatedly especially when that doesn’t give me any joy. Some routes challenge me, and I grow and learn, while some just break me despite the breathtaking scenery. I like to think I’ve learned to choose my battles and be more selective as at times, the effort just isn’t worth it.

It’s not always a breeze, cycling and life. There are climbs to get over before I can speed downhill and a flat route can be boring or a great relief depending on the overall mood. Being on two wheels has also taught me to look forward most of the time; though there are times when it’s absolutely necessary to be aware of my surroundings by paying attention to what’s going on both sides and behind.

I’ve also learned that a tiny shift can make a HUGE difference, and I’m speaking from my crotch. You see, as that area grows numb from all the time in the saddle, I’ve found that lifting my bum up by several mm on a bumpy road eases some pain, and doing that when there are holes and bumps saves me from A LOT of pain. Shifting my position front or back just a tiny bit also eases the pressure from certain parts when I’m in different positions. This applies in life too, just like the Tesco tagline: Every Little Helps.

My favourite spot so far is thankfully not that far away. I love how I’ve learned to notice the spot over the fishing pond where the morning mist is the last to disappear from; the stretch of road by the river where I can safely speed downhill; the section where it’s the darkest due to the trees overhead, where it spooks and thrills me at the same time, where the rays of the sun struggle to reach the surface of the road, where when the rays break though the treetops, they dance and create a melody through the leaves.

You allow me to escape and heal, to be present and thankful. And most importantly, you remind me that the pain in my legs is worth the ride.

 

Twists

Two.

The number of countries I’ve cried over.

It’s also the number of people I’ve cried over.

Something in me just clicked with the four, unexpectedly. The four that left me with an empty heart at the end. The pain faded, the tears dried up, I grew from the experience and I’ve no regrets. The sole reason being it felt like home, yet there were sparks in me at the same time, a combination I always seek in what I do. And I couldn’t agree more with Pico Iyer’s words: And if travel is like love, it is, in the end, mostly because it’s a heightened state of awareness, in which we are mindful, receptive, in dimmed by familiarity and ready to be transformed. That is why the best trips, like the best love affairs, never really end.”

To me, ever since the first time I flew solo to Chiang Mai in Jan 2007, I’ve felt that travel and love follow the same path. There are countless places to travel to, just like there are countless human beings I could be with. But I’m not one who goes for the sake of going, nor do I seek the company of someone unless I get that home/sparks deal. People aren’t a cure for my problems and what makes me sad is how I’ve been made to feel that by some people. Once my heart felt the effects of travel and love (though there were one-sided), it’s never been the same. Not that I want to shut that door as flying and looking at the sky are much better. Leave it to Leonardo da Vinci to sum it up: For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return.

England was always in my plan. Ever since Tay wrote to the family when I was a young girl. It was the burning curiosity, the hunger to explore the unknown; it was also years of working hard and saving harder, refusing money from anyone else so that it’d all be on my shoulders, come what may. It was the giddy excitement for when I got the call to collect my passport with a work-holiday visa after a nerve-wracking interview. It was the unknown the drew me, frightened me.

Oct 2007: London (finally!!), three heavy bags, the amazing Tube system with the endless stairs, brown leaves everywhere. After the initial excitement, reality hit me. Finding an office job would be a DREAM in the middle of the economic downturn. A job in a Chinese restaurant, a tiny room at a B&B on Hooker Road, stuffing my tummy with as much toast and tea as I could as breakfast was free so that I could save a meal each day by skipping lunch and having an early dinner. Anything that could save me some pounds.

Long story short, the job of about a week killed my spirit and I called up a number to help me find a live-in job. The day finally came when I could leave London (by then, I realised that I’d love to visit London but I’d go mad living there). I packed up again and boarded a train to Taunton, where upon arrival I thought to myself, it’s not that bad. There’s the train and bus stations, the high street, all the shops etc as I waited for one of the bosses of the new place to pick me up. He arrived in a silver VW Golf with black leather seats and I started getting very worried as the longer the drive went on, the more rural the destination seemed. There were moments I wondered if he’d rape and kill me. After about 45 minutes of driving along narrow roads in the midst of endless hills and hedges, we arrived at The Crown Hotel, Exford (NOT oxford, as I had to tell some people countless times) in Somerset. It surely wasn’t what I’d expected AT ALL when I accepted the job offer and the knee-jerk reaction was to run back to London, where it was familiar though I felt trapped there. I was shown my room then given an introduction to the place and the other staff who were around. I shut the door, sat in the cold and empty room, banked the tears and decided to give it a week or two. Surprisingly, I fell in love with the place, and it got me wondering if the place found me or I found it.

The creek, which flow of water I could hear when it was really quiet; the sound and the smell of horses, sheep and cows; the endless roads for walking and the views of all the green; the couple with the corgi who ran the shop just next door; the former MAS air hostess who worked in the post office; John the mail man whom I’m forever grateful to as he offered me a lift in the postal vehicle from Exford to Minehead though he wasn’t supposed to or I’d have missed my trip to Austria with my siblings as snow stalled all bus services to and from the village.

Then there was him with the pink cheeks and the fair skin. He who sneaked me scallops as he helped the chefs prep dinner while I struggled to catch up with the endless flow of pots and pans to scrub. He who understood how it felt to be the ‘odd’ one there and ‘being taken advantage of’ just because we were foreigners though he was white and me Asian. The time spent at our spot just outside the staff quarters, cooling down after a sweaty day working indoor, seeing the fall of snow and our breath becoming white puffs of air, sledging down the slope in the village green with two 10-year-olds one morning when we had the day off, both of us ending up muddy and freezing.

And then he was gone when I returned from Austria. I found out from the guys in the kitchen-when they said he went home, I assumed they meant London as he’d been for a while before then. It turned out home was Jo’burg.

our spot, bare. then spring arrived.

His leaving was a blessing as they couldn’t find a permanent kitchen porter and I filled in shift after shift until I was too tired to feel and think of anything much except recognise exhaustion on most days for several months. All I could think about then after those long hours in the kitchen were sleep and rest. One day, it was as if a switch had been flipped and the pain didn’t feel that deep and smiling felt easier. Soon I had to leave my home of about two years before my visa ran out. As pissed as I was on all the JD and Coke’s I had in the hotel bar my last night there, I shed tears as I left my room for the last time, carrying the same three bags I’d arrived with, recalling how Michael Bublé’s ‘Home’ used to make me cry when I first got there. The irony of the situation dawned on me later.

Fast forward to Oct 2010, almost 12 months after my return to KL, when my sister and I left for NZ. Apparently, the itch to just go hadn’t disappeared and there was still one country I could go to for another work-holiday before I hit 30 and there’d be no options left. The boss didn’t want me to resign from the job again and accepted my request for a sabbatical. Again, like Exford, I fell for NZ and the family we lived with for nine months in Te Puke, among humans, friends, friends of friends, dogs, cats and chooks.

Miles upon miles of coastline, how easy it was to get to the sea, kiwifruits-from the bare trees to buds then fruits, all the green, the ungodly hours of work until we wished for a day of rain just to get a day off work, waiting impatiently to move in to 72 Macloughlin Drive from the houseful of Malaysian Chinese, planning road trips, the time spent on the beach with the dogs, eggnog, pretending to be asleep one Xmas morning to avoid Don, spending time with Pinky until his wife became suspicious, the last family dinner, our last hug after I ran down from the bus with tears for that.

Returning to KL was tough and going back to a deskbound job was HELL. I cried for no reason in the middle of work, I lost sleep, I became a zombie, all because I missed my life in NZ. Then as it got better, I started getting some vibes from her whenever I went over to the other side of the office. I finally figured out what the vibes were about, went through another round of sleepless nights and crying, then admitted to myself that my life just wasn’t what I’d expected it to be.

I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings, and I didn’t and still don’t fancy keeping them under wraps. It was only a matter of time when I’d mention that bi fact to those I’m close with just like how I’d say ‘I don’t like that movie.’. It took months before Mum could look at my face whenever we spoke and now ‘gay’ is just another word we use. After sorting myself out, I realised that my feelings for her weren’t because she opened that door in me. What I felt for her was what I felt for him, that was the gist of it. Minus those niggling issues about gender (in)equality. Visit after visit, when I thought there was finally a hint of an us, she disappeared and round three of post-NZ depression started. My cure was sweating, seeking comfort in nature to heal my heart.

I’ve no idea how they are doing and I can now say it doesn’t hurt to think about them. Just like England and NZ, because of the pull to my heart, I gave it all I had but it wasn’t enough for us to have a future. I’m not sure if I’ve always gone with the ‘give it everything I have so I don’t regret a thing’ attitude or if I developed that after Grandpa passed away two weeks before my siblings and I were due to be back home from Europe. And I learned that there may never be a ‘next time’ as we’re so wont of saying-there’s only now.

Never have I felt that so deeply than the moment I collapsed on my knees in front of his coffin at home, sobbing and heaving uncontrollably. I can still remember telling that we’d be back pretty soon before hanging up the last time we spoke on the phone, that last time I heard his voice after not seeing him for about a year. The hello and the bye I never got to say to him-that’s what taught me that ‘next time’, ‘later’ etc isn’t a given and certain moments or opportunities don’t reappear after they’ve gone.

The sky is where I look to, to remind me to breathe, hang on and let go, and also that it’s never the same twice, just like the clouds. I went after those loves that gave me so much as they were what I wanted at some point in my life and there’d be only regret if I hadn’t gone down those paths. I’m just not keen on looking back, wishing I’d gone after what I longed for, despite the pain that came along when things went south. I didn’t know what the future held with those loves back then but I knew I held part of the future in my hands when I was with them.

At my lowest points, I swore to myself I’d stop wandering around and not pursue anyone as they were just pointless and part of me just felt dead. However, after I healed enough, I learned that travel IS like love and both involve very similar risks, risks I told myself I’d NEVER take again when everything hurt, risks I’m willing to take again so that life’s richer.

It’s been nearly 11 years since I first flew off alone and I know that travelling isn’t my escape-it’s something I do regardless of my state of mind. What has changed is I’m content being where I am after trying to outrun myself for so long. I’m back where I started, having returned after all those trips, realising that everything has changed, yet nothing has changed. And that coming back to the starting point isn’t the same as not having left at all.

Collide

Words weren’t needed for me to know that you just didn’t like me.

Your face, your demeanor told me that as far back as I can remember.
The only reason for that: I wasn’t born a male as you’d hoped for.

I gave up trying to make you see me,
the hatred festering in my young heart,
weighing me down,
killing a part of me.
Years have gone by
and those ghosts no longer haunt me.

I can’t say I hate you,
nor can I say I love you,
because I feel neither.

I can’t say what I don’t feel.
I can’t feel what I don’t feel.

All I can say is it hurts to see you now,
a prisoner in your body and your mind,
where past and present crash into one another.

My hope is that the power greater than us
takes care of you in her own way,
that life is kind to you,
eternally.

What I can do is hold your hand,
sit with you,
as we get lost in our own maze,
very much together and apart.

+++

Past. Present.
Clear glass. Murky sea.
My mind a mess.
Reflections. Shadows.
Reality. Dreams.
It all collides. Shatters.

Moments captured in frames,
fading, faded.
Yet what was, is,
suspended in time.