Don’t ask why it is so. I’ve no answer to that, just as I’ve no clue to why the night sky was that particular shade, which reminded me of the colours of the bisexual flag, when I was trying out different settings on the Olympus as I attempted astrophotography.
Then it dawned on me later on that 2018 is the best I’ve felt about myself in countless aspects. There’s no need to explain myself to anyone so long as I get me and I live my truth. I don’t reckon I’ve been in the closet as soon as I got it figured out, though technically I may have been in it when I was a confused and terrified mess before coming to terms with what is.
There are several things comparable to being out, and my list includes travelling, having my own car and actually driving it around, cycling, using a DSLR, overcoming my fear of the open sea and swimming though being in a pool can be boring at times, and losing weight and imagining how it’d be a nightmare to being 80+ kg again.
All of them took me a while to get used to, the initial trepidation, anxiety, fumbling, confusion plus the reading, research and trials, just like me as I stumbled around then out into another phase of my life. And yes, I still mess up these days but there’s always something to learn from each encounter.
To those who are more than an acquaintance to me, they know that fact about me like how they know it’s tea for me; and to those who are closer to me, they know what tea does it for me. As for other humans I know, there’s no need for them to know that detail about me. Why does it matter to them whether I like tea?
Over the years since accepting things, I’ve had time to think back and analyse some aspects of myself. As far as I can remember, I’ve always used they/them when referring to a hypothetical partner and choosing she/her or he/him felt restrictive. Maybe back then, my young brain knew it before I was even consciously aware of that fact. These days, I lean much more towards she/her for my future, and sometimes I wonder if I’m pan after all though that won’t surprise me if it were the case.
I know I don’t have gender dysphoria and I’ve never wanted to get rid of certain body parts but I do wish for a smaller chest especially as I run or skip around. Or when I have to run after something or someone when I’m not wearing a sports bra. What a relief it’d be without that booby burden. And I’ve never felt trapped in my female body, nor do I want to get shots of testosterone to become masculine. I’m a she/her, not a he/him or they/them.
How true this is: For once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return.
I’ve tasted the sky and I’m not going back. Nor do I want to.